Glesga tae Lawnzarrrrteh

In Canada, you can get on a bus in Vancouver and go to sleep for about 5 days before getting to the east coast. You would arrive, wake up smelling the worse for wear and scare the shit out the locals with your West coast Birkenstocks and “lord tundering” lululemon exercise gear. They would know you were from “away”. You would also thoroughly understand the difference between the east and west after having your butt jammed into a bus seat for close to a week. You would have stopped for donuts and coffee in the prairies where they know about all things that are flat. You would have stopped to use the washrooms in T.O. (That is Toronto, Ontario not Timmins, Ontario) where they know everything about everything. There would have been one last pit stop in Quebec for a coke, a smoke and some poutine. It may seem obvious but Canada is a vast country with clearly defined geography and cultural heritages strongly linked by a long road and a series of Tim Horton Donut franchises.

In Scotland, there also is an east versus west, north and south distinction that some would call a friendly rivalry. However, the east- west rivalry is a wee bit friendlier than Celtic playing Rangers in Glasgow where there may be lives, religious heritage as well as a football match at stake. A country doesn’t have to be big to have disagreements.

The Scots also pretend that it is long distance between the two coasts. “Yool no be goin’ that ferr, laddy in one day’s drive,” my Scottish alter ego advised. However, a bus ride between the Scottish coasts would leave you sleep deprived as it takes a little over an hour at the level of Glasgow and Edinburgh. It seems like a shrunken country, maybe dehydrated; just add some water and it will quickly expand to Canadian proportions.

Leslie and I were constantly caught out by the closeness of everything here. We would just settle in for a car trip and arrive shortly after pulling out of the driveway. No coffee or pee stops, amazing, a great way to save on petrol (aka gas). Our Canadian sense of distance had to be recalibrated constantly. There is no shortage of water on either side or in between, so it is definitely not dehydrated. The Scots keep themselves well hydrated from a plentiful variety of alcoholic and caffeinated beverages and water from burns and lochs.

The advantages and disadvantages of east and west are hotly debated by the Scots. Glaswegians sense of humour versus the Edinburgh culture and lack of sense of humour? Edinburgh’s active art scene versus Glasgow’s faded industrial heritage and rapidly expanding art scene. A Glaswegian described the city of Edinburgh as “dressed up in ah fur coat an nae knickers”. Another Glaswegian asked “Whas the best thing tae hae coom oot o Embra?”(What is the best thing to come out of Edinburgh) Answer - The Glesga (Glasgow) train.

They have also conveniently developed different accents, on purpose I think, to help them differentiate between the regions and therefore be able to argue about the differences. It all gets very complicated although on a smaller scale than Canada. The thick Glasgow accent can be very difficult to understand. I lived there for three years and have retained the ability to understand the thickest brogue. I had to translate for Leslie many times whereas in the rest of Europe she translated for me.

The “study” of Glasgow patter is called “parliamo glesga’’ originated by the comedian Stanley Baxter in the 1960s. For example if,” ya ken wit I meen” (if you know what I mean), “whit aboot this wan” (what about this one), “yur heeds fulla mince” (your head is full of mince ie you are out of it) or “och aye fur the noo” (doing OK). Or one of my favourite of Stanley’s, “air a pare o’ pears lyin’ oer thare oan the flare” or “There is a pair of pears lying over there on the floor”. The Scots generally have a great sense of humour and way with words.

The Scots had almost a 100% literacy rate early in the industrial revolution. It was promoted to read the bible. However, its effect was far-reaching. For a small country, Scotland has produced a disproportionate amount of academic thought, inventions, business and art contributions that benefited the rest of the world.

We are currently in Lanzarote, or Lanzagrotty, as some call it because it is overrun with Brits on package deal holidays and two unemployed (skivers in Scots patter) Canadians. We had considered migrating south to Australia or New Zealand before choosing Lanzarote to nest in for the winter. Some local birdwatchers mistook us for the last of a “breeding” pair of some extinct African bird species blown off course onto the island. We explained we were just Canadians and pointed to the northwest out over the Atlantic Ocean.

The wind seems to blow all the time in Lanzarote from a west to east direction. Here, east to west is only about 10 km. The temperature is moderate in the 60s (high teens in C). It blows so hard that sometimes I think it might flip the entire island over where east becomes west and vice versa nullifying any regional debates. Therefore, it is not a good place for comb-overs or cheap toupees. If whatever tethers the island here breaks, Lanzarote would be blown quickly eastward and bump into Morocco, (which is littered with lost toupees and lost windsurfers) which gives you an idea of where we are. It could be worse, as Nigeria and the Congo are a bit farther south around the big bump on Africa’s west coast. However, we do seem quite well anchored, at least we hope so as we plan on spending 12 weeks here. My first exploration on my bike reveals a stark volcanic landscape dotted with classic cones which we hope will see no action while we are here.

This may not sound too adventurous but we have decided to give ourselves what may be the ultimate luxury, extended time in one place to get back into some semblance of a routine (minus the work part). The rest of the world will have to wait for another year. No pressure to explore, just sit back, meet some Brits, read, ride bikes, new recipes, learn to kite surf (although I have been advised that the learning curve involves planting your face in the sand while being dragged by an oversized kite, “say lavy” as Stanley would pronounce C`est la vie?) We will plan and dream up new adventures, professional and personal, after a year of indulgence, we may volunteer in----- or ??? We also have our first visitor coming over in early January. That’s it then, weer away fer the noo.